Sorrow, sank deep inside my blood

"It's the things you cannot see coming that are strong enough to kill you." ~ Jodi Picoult.

As I'm writing this, my dear chipmunk is already dead. It's uncertain at first but I guess I could tell by looking at him. He's no longer moving, his eyes are closed, his legs/hands are hard as steel, and most importantly his heart is no longer beating. ;'( So it's official, he's dead.

After I brought him to the vet, I actually thought he was doing okay by then, but I was wrong. He was trying hard to survive, he laid still, not even bothered by army of ants lingering around waiting to devour the creature.

I was having my dinner at that time, I even stopped, I couldn't bear myself seeing him like that. I gave him some orange juices through a syringe, followed by plain water. I wanted to give him something, he hadn't eaten anything. He didn't give any sort of reaction, I wasn't sure if he was enjoying it or hating it. At that moment, I wish he could talk and tell me what was wrong. Do you need some food? Do you need me to warm you? I was talking to myself, at least a simple nod would suffice.

I even gave him some carrots and pears but yes, he was not interested. I brought him to my bed considering it's easier for me to take care of him if he was closer to me. He was still breathing at that time but it seemed to be shallower than before. Did I give him too much water? Honestly, I did. Little did I know he was at death's door at that time.

A few minutes later, his lungs is no longer huffing and puffing, struggling to live. He was dead. A little tears dropped, I did not bother to wipe it. A while later, tears began streaming down my cheeks, over flowing in my face. Yet, I didn't bother to wipe it. Trust me, I couldn't stop myself. It was a sad moment for me. I effing wish he was just sleeping. But he wouldn't be that hard if he were sleeping, a rough poke was even pointless at that time. ;'(

I couldn't believe my eyes, and then there I was, trying hard to play a Doctor in the house, I was trying to resurrect him. If you ask me to resurrect a dead circuit, it would be fine by now, I'm doing engineering after all, but for me to resurrect a life is way out of my range.

I felt like I just lost a kid or even a husband perhaps. But who am I kidding?! I don't even have a kid or even a husband. I'm just saying that I felt this deep, sudden gush of sadness, disappointment and anything equal to those. I guess the saying

'Do appreciate whatever you have while you still have it, for that if it's gone forever, you'll regret forever too'

is true. It hits me to think if only I spend more quality time to play with him, if only I care more for him, if only I know what's bothering him..........what hits me now is too numerous at this point. Sigh.

I even wonder, if it was me who killed him, is it possible if he drowned amidst of the huge amount of water I gave him. It could be, right?! I wonder if there was a flare-up to his condition? None of it would matter right at this moment. Meaningless, as he's already gone. Regardless, being able to witness him dying in front of my eyes was profound, I guess he's gone in peace with me being the last person to hold him, at least the ending of his life warmed the cockles of my heart.

This is written in memory of my dear chipmunk:

May you rest in peace my dear,
For that it has ceased to be,
Thank you for being a part of my life,
A little mourned for you is never enough,
Still wallowing in sadness doesn't do justice,
Neither granting the weather to mock me,
May morning sunshine restore me brightly,
Though I had to let you go,
A sleep you shall have,
A rest you shall have,
Down underneath,
Will always be yours. ~Farah Whibley

"The tears I feel today
I'll wait to shed tomorrow.
Though I'll not sleep this night
Nor find surcease from sorrow.
My eyes must keep their sight:
I dare not be tear-blinded.
I must be free to talk
Not choked with grief, clear-minded.
My mouth cannot betray
The anguish that I know.
Yes, I'll keep my tears til later:
But my grief will never go."
— Anne McCaffrey (Dragonsinger)