Last Night

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Last night, I talked to my dear friend and surprisingly we may have talked a bit too much. I'm surprised at how much I'm able to open up and share it with F. If you're reading this, just don't bother to say anything okay.

We met regularly, of course F is my classmate. But we have never really talked about it. I mean it's not something I would go tell or share with just anybody. But I wonder why I did it yesterday. It wasn't a slip of tongue and definitely not something I've prepared. Only few people knew about it. But I'm glad that I talked to F about everything, things that bothered me, uncertain things, and etc. We talked a lot up until 4am, it felt like my Pandora's box is now wide open and yes, F did give an advice to me, that if I ever feel uncertain about something, do pray and keep on praying to strengthen my faith. F said that one's faith is not constant, it keeps on changing. I got a lot from F and I thank F for giving me such advices. May Allah bless you. :)

Choose one for me

It's official now, I'm currently a working woman. Eh? It sounded so wrong..No No, not yet.

I'm now working as a trainee for my engineering industrial training in one of the oil and gas companies here in Malaysia. It's better not to mention the name of the company.

Having said that, I don't really have time to update my blog, usually at night I'm too tired to even write anything. Knackered. I've never sleep so early before, but now that I'm working, I tend to sleep early. In fact, there was this one time I slept at 9.00pm. I've never sleep that early considering I usually spend my time in lab, I'm a nocturnal being. I don't sleep at night. But now it's tiring, I have no choice.

It's too early to tell what's my job scope for now. And I'm not gonna say anything in here since it's better to just hold it inside. But it's a bit different than what I've learned.

Continuity gives us roots; change gives us branches, letting us stretch and grow and reach new heights. ~Pauline R. Kezer

And I pray to Allah to help me get through everything. I really need it. I hope I'll get over this phase soon. Give me a lot of strength to withstand anything and grant me a mind free from worry. May Allah ease everything.

On the other hand, I really really really miss my friends. I miss to laugh with all of them. I'm indeed serious. I don't know why, but something happened to me. It's like I'm not myself anymore. I tend to be timid and shy and anything equal to those. This is definitely not me. I hope I'll tear the costume soon, someone is using it diligently to disguise as me. Pfftt

And regards on my checklist, I don't think I have ample time to make it all happen. I'll try my best though.

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, and live along some distant day into the answer. ~Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

P/s: I wonder should I be content with everything even if it doesn't fit the purpose? Should I? hmm


Thursday, April 21, 2011

I'm now on my 5 months semester break, but 3 months is for internship and that leaves only 2 months for real holiday. My internship starting this coming Monday, and truth be told, I'm scared to begin the internship. I mean I've learned the theories for what, 4 years and counting, and now it's a real chance for me to be exposed in the working environment, doing the practical things but yeah, it's somehow intimidating. But I hope everything will be fine and dandy, I've been beating my brain's out thinking about this one. Just do my best, let God do the rest. ;)

Since I'm on my holiday, I've made a list of things I should do or should give it a try, at the very least. Here comes

  • To hone my skills in cooking. I want to learn how to cook for real (I can cook a little bit). I love baking but not cooking. I prefer to think cooking is somewhat difficult. However, I still need to learn to cook if I were to be an independent woman soon.
  • To watch some of the Korean variety shows given by my dear friend. I've put it on hold for ages since I'm not really into Korean plus with time limitation. Now that I have some free time, there's no excuse. Even if I'm not into Korean stuff, I should watch it. I've no restriction whatsoever on which shows should I watch. I can't limit my mind to certain things only, I have to be open to anything. ;)
  • To widen my set of friends. I love making friends in any way I could engage. I love knowing people from different backgrounds, love hearing other people's opinions and etc. I certainly don't mind to befriend just anybody. I don't choose my friend, anyone can be my friend.
  • Need to go for a shopping therapy.
  • Need to jump into being the bookworm again. Last time I had a good piece of reading was back years ago when I was 13/14 years old. So long! I'm taking suggestions from my dear friends albeit I want something by Lemony Snicket or maybe something motivational. I already went to few bookstores checking few books but yeah, the book that I want was not in the store. ;( NVM
  • Need to spend some quality time with my family and friends. Learn to appreciate them every single day.
  • Need to play the role of an accountant. I need to save some money for my future. Oh it sounded so wrong. But yeah, that's the bitter truth.
  • I'm thinking of tutoring my little brother. He had been diagnosed to have dyslexia. Having said that, he has some learning problems and yes, he ain't Einstein (He is known to have dyslexia too). In my previous attempt of tutoring him, he ended up hating me since I'm very strict. Haha
  • I'm thinking of creating my own FB account. Well I still don't like the idea of owning a FB account but I guess I don't have a choice. Too many people rely on FB; my friends and my family. As a matter of fact, I feel like I've missed out on some things just because I don't have FB. I don't mind about the gossips bulletin but I do mind about not getting an invitation to a wedding party just because I don't have FB. Besides there are too many people who urge me to create one. Funny,they even offered to create it for me.
  • To brush up my piano skills, again. I want to learn new song and try to memorize it.
  • To go for a holiday with my friends. Maybe opt for a beach getaway.
For now, I guess that's all. I'm not entirely sure if I have time to do all of them, but yeah I'll make some time. ;)

Sorrow, sank deep inside my blood

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

"It's the things you cannot see coming that are strong enough to kill you." ~ Jodi Picoult.

As I'm writing this, my dear chipmunk is already dead. It's uncertain at first but I guess I could tell by looking at him. He's no longer moving, his eyes are closed, his legs/hands are hard as steel, and most importantly his heart is no longer beating. ;'( So it's official, he's dead.

After I brought him to the vet, I actually thought he was doing okay by then, but I was wrong. He was trying hard to survive, he laid still, not even bothered by army of ants lingering around waiting to devour the creature.

I was having my dinner at that time, I even stopped, I couldn't bear myself seeing him like that. I gave him some orange juices through a syringe, followed by plain water. I wanted to give him something, he hadn't eaten anything. He didn't give any sort of reaction, I wasn't sure if he was enjoying it or hating it. At that moment, I wish he could talk and tell me what was wrong. Do you need some food? Do you need me to warm you? I was talking to myself, at least a simple nod would suffice.

I even gave him some carrots and pears but yes, he was not interested. I brought him to my bed considering it's easier for me to take care of him if he was closer to me. He was still breathing at that time but it seemed to be shallower than before. Did I give him too much water? Honestly, I did. Little did I know he was at death's door at that time.

A few minutes later, his lungs is no longer huffing and puffing, struggling to live. He was dead. A little tears dropped, I did not bother to wipe it. A while later, tears began streaming down my cheeks, over flowing in my face. Yet, I didn't bother to wipe it. Trust me, I couldn't stop myself. It was a sad moment for me. I effing wish he was just sleeping. But he wouldn't be that hard if he were sleeping, a rough poke was even pointless at that time. ;'(

I couldn't believe my eyes, and then there I was, trying hard to play a Doctor in the house, I was trying to resurrect him. If you ask me to resurrect a dead circuit, it would be fine by now, I'm doing engineering after all, but for me to resurrect a life is way out of my range.

I felt like I just lost a kid or even a husband perhaps. But who am I kidding?! I don't even have a kid or even a husband. I'm just saying that I felt this deep, sudden gush of sadness, disappointment and anything equal to those. I guess the saying

'Do appreciate whatever you have while you still have it, for that if it's gone forever, you'll regret forever too'

is true. It hits me to think if only I spend more quality time to play with him, if only I care more for him, if only I know what's bothering him..........what hits me now is too numerous at this point. Sigh.

I even wonder, if it was me who killed him, is it possible if he drowned amidst of the huge amount of water I gave him. It could be, right?! I wonder if there was a flare-up to his condition? None of it would matter right at this moment. Meaningless, as he's already gone. Regardless, being able to witness him dying in front of my eyes was profound, I guess he's gone in peace with me being the last person to hold him, at least the ending of his life warmed the cockles of my heart.

This is written in memory of my dear chipmunk:

May you rest in peace my dear,
For that it has ceased to be,
Thank you for being a part of my life,
A little mourned for you is never enough,
Still wallowing in sadness doesn't do justice,
Neither granting the weather to mock me,
May morning sunshine restore me brightly,
Though I had to let you go,
A sleep you shall have,
A rest you shall have,
Down underneath,
Will always be yours.
~Farah Whibley

"The tears I feel today
I'll wait to shed tomorrow.
Though I'll not sleep this night
Nor find surcease from sorrow.
My eyes must keep their sight:
I dare not be tear-blinded.
I must be free to talk
Not choked with grief, clear-minded.
My mouth cannot betray
The anguish that I know.
Yes, I'll keep my tears til later:
But my grief will never go."
Anne McCaffrey (Dragonsinger)

A Tale of A Chipmunk

I have a chipmunk. And I'm not gonna tell you how I got him, how old is he, what's his daily routine whatsoever. Because it doesn't matter.

My chipmunk has been infected today!! Maybe not today, maybe even few days before. IDK.

This holiday, I pass by him every day but I have no intention to play with him whatsoever like I used to. Well The Strokes may have been responsible for it yesterday and even today. Whatever. But for the other days, it's just me. I seem to lose my interest.

The thing is, I was shocked seeing my chipmunk lethargic since he's always active, jumping up and down, dancing here and there, yada yada yada.

I bathed him, cleaned his cage, fed him with some carrots in favor of seeing him happy once again, but to no avail. He's still lethargic and he's lying deathly still, inert.

I was beyond worried, and I still am. I brought him to the vet, the vet said that he has been infected. He checked him thoroughly and I wasn't sure if he poked him or not, but a tiny faeces came out while he's checking. The faeces contained blood, poor Mr. Chipmunk.

The doctor claimed chipmunk as one of the fragile animals, once he gets infected, the effect is immediate and somewhat obvious as being shown by him these days.

Doctor said if he doesn't respond to the medicine given in 48 hours, there's a likelihood that he would die. Oh my, hearing that from a professional, my eyes got teary. Despite of everything, I do like him. Oh wait, I love him.

Come on Chipmunk, don't die on me. No, not yet. Pretty please. I'm praying everything will be back to normal soon. InsyaAllah.

Still In Daze

Okay so here are couple of videos uploaded on Youtube, the rest you can search on Youtube. BTW, I've downloaded the full web cast of The Strokes' performance and I keep playing it on the loop. Mann, I can't get over it. Still can't. That's too bad, no?! Well they were too awesome. (Being an avid fan is tiring huh?! xD)

In fact, I'm planning to change my last name to Casablancas, no longer Doherty, or even Whibley. haha. Kidding. It's not even mine. xD

And here's the complete list of songs they've played from first to the last. :)

There are many people admiring The Strokes, and she's one of the many. She wanted to see Coachella Live. She told herself "I Can't Win" with so many people. Nevertheless, she's not gonna give up. Why would she? Jules, Albert,Nick and Niko are effing cool. They make her heart thumping like a drum every time she sees them. It's Hard To Explain. They played Under Cover of Darkness and NYC Cops so good that she thought to herself to keep up with the Games, not a chance to give up! She even made a promise, Someday she will go to their concert. She wanted to yell "Oh Jules, You're So Right in The Modern Age."
She effing need to see them live since she knows You Only Live Once. No, she's not Taken For A Fool for not being able to drop her Juicebox while watching them. She's flabbergasted and she's not even Under Control, she's out of control. It is indeed a Gratisfaction. She was closed to becoming a Reptilia for being so wild Last Night. Well thanks a bunch to the uber-cool band, The Strokes for every momentous moments in her life. Even with some flaws, she's grateful for the memories, and yes no choices left, she should either Take It or Leave It.

Here are some of the colored images, again courtesy of suckitandseeat1251

A confession: I've never like anything with leopard prints. A satin leopard prints? That's a big no-no for me, but damn, he's killing it with this one. Nick Valensi, you're the man. Oh well he paired it with Converse.

One thing about Coachella, I missed watching The Kills live, but thanks to Youtube, I've watched their performance. I love VV. She's getting better and better. Their opening with 'No Wow' wow-ed me.

Anyway, some people have been asking me about Arctic Monkeys' official music video for 'Don't Sit Down 'Cause I've Moved Your Chair'. Well I must say the music video is great. After a few listens, I can now say I like the song. Maybe the video did put some weight into it. Somehow the lighting fit perfectly with the melody etc. I'm serious. Watch it.


Monday, April 18, 2011

pic courtesy of julescasablancas and suckitandseeat1251

Oh looking good with colors huh?!

How do you resist him? I still can't...

Coachella Live

Pic courtesy of shesfixing

Pic courtesy of Mr. Ryan Gentles (taken from his twitter)

Have you seen it live? ZOMG. It was EPIC.

My friend tweeted me about this one. He asked me to wake up and go stream the coachella on Youtube, since The Strokes is coming up next. Without further ado, I went to Youtube and yes, coachella live it is. I watched The Nationals first, then Ratatat and *drumrolls please* The Strokes.

HELL YEAH. The Strokes mannnn....<3

I've been dreaming to watch them performing live and yes Jules did appear in my dream last week. haaaha. I've watched their live performance but none of them were live as in live streaming mann.. An infinite thanks to the genius who came out with an idea to let us fans streaming the concert. The live feed was awesome. Seriously, I bet yaa, thousands of people from whole wide world streamed it. Come on, it's Coachella. :)

It was wonderful. It felt like I was watching them live in there with a VIP seat I might add, albeit there's no colors. Still, black and white rocks on. See?! A twisted mind of a girl who's not even there but pretending that she was there. Oh pathetic? well, I don't effing care.

The Strokes killing it dude..!!

Jules like always looking stunning with his hat and sunnies. I love it when he always changed the lyrics. And yeah Jules's still rocking with his deep voice. That's sexy mann.. Jules,please marry me. Sorry Juliet, move over! haha. xD

Not to mention, he's on top form with his light mood and being humorous, and remember the high note on Games?! Splendid. <3 (I don't mind Julian's banter at all, love it)
Remember , "let's us fuckin’ juicebox their faces!”, "I jest, I jest" ,"okay my pilgrims friend", "You mothafuckas ready" ??? LTMQ. :)

Albert was perfect with his pipes or whatever that is. Valensi was good with his solo. Fab and Nikolai were amazing too. Did you see Valensi's converse??'s cool. :)

The 1st song was I Can't Win. Oh it bring memories. Then they played Hard To Explain, Under Cover of Darkness, Someday, The Modern Age, Reptilia, NYC Cops, Games, You're So Right, You Only Live Once, Taken For A Fool, Juicebox, Under Control, Gratisfaction, Last Night and Take It Or Leave it (in no particular order).

Well that's all I remember. If I miss any song, I'm sorry. I was hyperventilating the whole time watching them plus flooding the timeline with #CoachellaLive #thestrokes. Sorry tweeples.

In fact, Julian Casablancas, Nick Valensi and Juicebox were the trending topic (TT). (^_^)

I was literally melting when they played Hard To Explain. After all, it's Jules & Juliet song. <3

I love every bits of it. I love how they played the old songs. <3 I was singing along to the tunes while taking care of my heart, a pulse to stabilize. hehe Oh I LOVE YOU THE STROKES.

This is definitely going into my bucket list: To see them performing live for real. I shall go to one of their concert, at least once in my life. :)

Heard they're coming to play in Bali this coming August, I hope they will come down to Kuala Lumpur which I highly doubt BTW still, I'm hoping they will. It would be a dream come true. A princess is no longer longing for her fairy tale. Hahah.

All in all, I still love them and yes they were fantastic and mind blowing. Again, thanks for the live feed (No hiccups whatsoever mann.. ) as it was hell of an experience watching them performing live. I'm still in awe. :)

p/s: I'm waiting for the video soon to be uploaded by unknown. I wanna watch it over and over again.
Cheers xoxo

Back In Business

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

It's beyond pleasure to hear that Arctic Monkeys is back. And yes, their new single 'Don't Sit Down 'Cause I've Moved Your Chair' is out, first one taken from the latest album 'Suck It and See'. The album is set to be released on 6th June 2011.

You can stream the whole song on their site.

I guess I need a few more listens. It certainly didn't hit me to say it's one of their best songs at first go. No, not yet.

I love Arctic Monkeys especially Alex Turner for their charms and wits in music. They are able to convey some hidden meanings in all of their lyrics. And yes, all of the lyrics were written by my dear Alex. I really like his way of writing lyrics, the poetic in him made me drooling. I'm serious. His honesty always fascinated me. His accent is another thing. His splendid guitar riff's some more. ;) And I don't love Arctic Monkeys just because Alex's in it, all of the members have fair share of creating an awesome band that I fell in love with. I still love them.

But somehow, these days Alex's charm is diminishing. The song seems to lack something in the lyric. At the very least, the song is better than 'Brick by Brick'. Regardless, Alex Turner still looks effortlessly cool to me.

I'm still looking forward to the day the album is out. ;)

Memory Lane

"A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow."
William Shakespeare

Oh well, I'm glad to say that I can still count on my friends. I fret they would come with an excuse when I need their help, but Alhamdulillah, I can proudly say that I can rely on them.

As of tonight, when I really need their help, they came with their big heart and willingly to help me since my parents are not here at the moment. We went to my aunt's house and met my other aunt, cousins and grandma.

Soon, we went to The Apartment for a long catching-up session, and yes I had fun with them. There is always something to share, something to laugh, something to ponder and etc. Reminiscing the good old days was a blast. It has been a while since we last met that we almost went for an impromptu stay but we didn't. I guess we can plan it later. Seriously, time has a funny way of teasing us, it moves so fast. The speed of an event isn't even synchronous to our life tempo. If only we could be faster, we could then outsmart time. Or perhaps we don't even put an effort to be faster. Who knows.

On the other hand, I tried pavlova today albeit I was craving for a parfait. The pavlova was good but I think it's a tad too sweet for me. ;) NVM.

I'm just writing this assuring myself to lock this one in my memory box. I will, one day, look at it and remember that this day was the day my friends were still there, helping me.

P/s: To my dear friends Aerma, Nina and especially Bella, thanks a lot for tonight. I appreciate it and I wouldn't trade our friendship for anything. :)

Fret not, my friend.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Oh my. I never know asking for a favour is really hard. It felt like I'm violating my own rules. Ugh. ;(

The thought of asking for a favour is hard to swallow, let alone the action. UGH. I hate to ask for a favour. Feels like a loser. :(

Is it normal to feel guilt-ridden for asking a favour? Big or small, it doesn't matter. It's still a favour.

I'm a normal human being, sometimes I do need a favour and yes, every single time there's a need for me to ask for a favour, I would prepare like a million times, how should I ask for it?

Should I go for something benign, or rather something insouciant?

Oh well, I don't have a heart to go for the latter but sometimes I did it anyway. Excuse me for being such a nonchalant lady.

But I've always try to sound amiable when I ask for a favour. Still, I want to know what goes in the mind of a giver/bestower? Do they feel like a burden if someone asks them for something, or asks them to do something?

As for me, I wouldn't mind to help anyone if I'm capable of giving/lending the help. Ask me for a help, I'll help you in any way I could engage myself in. But for me to ask for someone's help is somewhat difficult, yet it is inevitable.

If no one needs help, they wouldn't create such 'help' and 'favour' as a word. What use is there to create such vacuous word, if people are not gonna use it anyway?

Having said that, I've lost count of times I've used that particular word. Yet again, I used it today.

"People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.

If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.

People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.

Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway."
Kent M. Keith (Paradoxical Commandments)

"Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, it's at the end of your arm, as you get older, remember you have another hand: The first is to help yourself, the second is to help others."
Audrey Hepburn

P/s: An infinite thanks to those who have helped me in any ways especially those who never thought of something in return. Be it friends, strangers, a friend of a friend and just anyone. Hats off to you guys. =)

Closing the gap

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Hoyeah. We're closing the gap to 7 points, behind Manchester United.

It's been a while. I'm glad that we've won the match although it was just against Blackpool. No offense, but Blackpool seemed to be out-of-form. And if it were up to me, I think we could have get more than 3 goals actually. Anyhow, I love seeing Lehmann and Fabregas back on the field. Jens Lehmann was there as a late replacement for injured Almunia. He was injured during the warm-up session. And for our captain, Fabregas, kudos to him as he was the man of the match. Whatever it is, that 3 points are precious at this point. Carling Cup's and FA Cup's are all gone.

I guess we need to win the next match against Liverpool for us to still be racing for this title.

On the other hand, I felt so silly tonight. I left my keys back at home (I came back to campus), thus I have no keys to my locker and my room. Hiyya.. *___* Tomorrow, I need to go back and get my keys.

P/s: I'm proud to wear my Arsenal jersey tonight. ^_^

Hey Jude

I love The Beatles, and here's one of the songs I'll never get tired of hearing. I would play this song in times I feel at lowest peak of life. This is one of my soothing tunes. Enjoy.

Hey, Jude, don't make it bad
Take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better

Hey, Jude, don't be afraid
You were made to go out and get her
The minute you let her under your skin
Then you begin to make it better.

And any time you feel the pain, hey, Jude, refrain
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders
Well don't you know that its a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder

Hey, Jude! Don't let her down
You have found her, now go and get her
Remember, to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better.

So let it out and let it in, hey, Jude, begin
You're waiting for someone to perform with
And don't you know that it's just you, hey, Jude,
You'll do, the movement you need is on your shoulder

Hey, Jude, don't make it bad
Take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better

End of my rope is slipping out of my hold

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Pet peeve of the day: One who doesn't know how to discern between what's right and what's wrong.

But then again, come to think of it, the term right and wrong seem to be vague and obscure. The right thing for me does not qualify to be the right thing for you. Same goes with the wrong thing. Sometimes it's hard to find people of the same mind as ours. People view things in a diverse way. Some may agree to a certain notion while some may not.

One might have crossed between the fine line of what's right and what's wrong.

Still, I want to believe it would not be beyond the wit of anyone for that matter to be able to discern between what's right and what's wrong.

Sometimes it's wrong for you to hurt someone by chanting about the past that have been forgotten. It brings excruciating memories. Period.

There are words which sever hearts more than sharp swords; there are words the point of which sting the heart through the course of a whole life. Bremer, Frederika

As I said it once, I do have a fragile heart.

Apart from that, I'm scared of living in this temporary world. I've heard too many stories. Even so, I want to explore this world while I still can, it is necessary for me to be able to widen my view, my perspective, even my knowledge. You should never close your mind to an idea just because you are comfortable with it, or you are afraid for a change or even just because it seems to be extraordinary.

“Let your mind start a journey through a strange new world. Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before. Let your soul take you where you long to be…Close your eyes let your spirit start to soar, and you’ll live as you’ve never lived before.”~Ericc Fromm

P/s: I was shaken by a dismaying fact that I fell short of someone's expectation. ;( And yeah, he's my dad. Sigh.

You Learn

"You Learn.

You Learn

After a while you learn the subtle difference

Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning

And company doesn't mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts

And presents aren't promises,

And you begin to accept your defeats

With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,

And you learn to build all your roads on today

Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn...

That even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul,

Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure...

That you really are strong

And you really do have worth...

And you learn and learn...

With every good-bye you learn."

Jorge Luis Borges

What If

Friday, April 8, 2011

I'm a tad upset today. Why can't some people let me do things on my own?

I'm a grown up, I'm independent. This is about people who are dear to me taking two steps ahead of me without even telling me. I told them one tiny problem, they came in being a superhero and decided things on their own. And this is supposed to be my line to say 'Oh thank you, you saved my life'..But I'm afraid I can't say the same in this circumstance.

This is why, I don't really like to share my problem with anybody. I know it's for the best that they came in offering a big help, but sometimes that is unnecessary. What happened to 'listening and just listening'..Hmm..I'm hoping they would just listen and let me handle things on my own.

'What if' seems to jump swimming in the pool of my thoughts. Hmmm..

I'm quoting 'Letters to Juliet' :

" "What" and "If" are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: What if? What if? What if? "



Thursday, April 7, 2011

"These days I just can't seem to say what I mean,' she said. 'I just can't. Every time I try to say something, it misses the point. Either that or I end up saying the opposite of what I mean. The more I try to get it right the more mixed up it gets. Sometimes I can't even remember what I was trying to say in the first place. It's like my body's split in two and one of me is chasing the other me around a big pillar. We're running circles around it. The other me has the right words, but I can never catch her...Do you know what I'm trying to say?' 'Everybody has that kind of feeling sometimes,' I said. 'You can't express yourself the way you want to, and it annoys you.' Obviously this wasn't what she wanted to hear."

~— Haruki Murakami (Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman: 24 Stories)

Laughing My Head Off

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Last night I went to watch 'Just Go With It'. The movie was so-so, a typical chick flick. I kinda figured the whole movie right from the beginning. Yeah you know typical Adam Sandler's movie. One thing for sure, Adam is always the rich guy in all of the movies that he produced.But yeah, I had fun laughing my head off while watching the movie and spending time with my dear friends.

While I was in the cinema, my brother called me. I don't usually take calls while I'm in cinema but knowing it's my brother (I always respond to any calls/messages from my family as I'm afraid there will be some sort of emergency), hence I took the call.

Bro: Hello.

Me: Hello, I'm in the cinema..I'll call you back soon.

Bro: bla bla bla (I can't hear anything so I ended the call)

Ngeee..I'm cruel like that. Haha. A few minutes later, my phone has died on me (empty battery). Dang. I should have throw my phone and buy a new one.
Soon after the movie ended, went to bookstore to check some books, bought a magazine and went back.

Checked my phone, received a text message from dear mom (She's a bit of a gossiper, must have known about it from my brother). She wanted to know with whom I went to the movie date. She must have thought I went out with a new bf, little did she know, I don't have one right now. I have too many friends and I don't really like to talk about these kind of stuff with my dear mom. Period.

I text-ed her telling that I went out with my classmates, even put everyone's name so that she won't get confused. I told her I went out to have some fun before my next exam, for a laughing therapy to which she replied sarcastically, "oh yeah..go and have some fun..and yes laugh all the way you want till morning!!".

Oh God, I know her too well, this is meant as a reminder for me to go back and study. She wanted me to go back early and yes playing the nerdy-version of me. Oh thanks dear mom.

I'm laughing to myself reading her message. You're still the best though. ;)

P/s: Don't watch the movie with your bf. You'll end up feeling embarrassed half part of the movie.

BTW, I love the part when Snow Patrol's song came out. Oh my, I was literally singing..Here's the song, some of you may have heard this song playing in Grey's Anatomy.

We'll do it all
On our own
We don't need

Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we’re told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

3 in A Row

Sunday, April 3, 2011

I'm done with 3 exams in a row. Next exam is on 6th and then I have a long gap before my last exam which is on 15th. In between the long gap, I've made few plans to go hang out with different set of friends. Yes, I have a lot of friends from different scenes.

Frankly, even though I felt as though a weight had been lifted (3 papers in a row, kidding me?!), I was sad right after the exam, I completely forgot almost all the formulas needed for the exam. But I take full responsibility for my action and decision. I could have prepared for the exams way earlier but I didn't. So the blame is on me. Anyhow, the damage is done. I can just pray for the best result to come and hoping my lecturer to be very lenient in marking our papers. :)

Whatever it is, life still goes on and I'm still trying to embrace what has been laid out for me day by day and yes, I'm learning a new thing every single day.

My list of things that had happened/that I observed/that I did in the past few weeks:

- I've had my worst presentation in my 4 years of studies. I was too busy finishing FYP report that I didn't prepare for the PE presentation at all. I seemed to take Dr. M for granted (He's too kind). Somehow I felt I was being rude. My utmost apologies to my dear lecturer.

-I've witnessed an intense quarrel between two persons, it gave chill to my bone. This is written with no intention to offense anybody. I've realized that there's a fine line between being rude and being furious. There's a fine line between what is right and what is wrong too. Sometimes we might have crossed between these two. Reason being is undefined. It could be ignorant. But I still think we should take off our hat and show some respects towards elders in any situation. Remember, elders are always right in the end since they have more experiences dealing with problems, living in this life.

-I'm somehow inspired by a number of people in making a big change in my life. Even so, I have to put it on hold for a little while before I could carry in the major change.

-I'm grateful for all the blessings Allah had given me. I have such a supporting parents. They are able to tolerate me at times I lose my determination. They are always there giving me advices, motivating and praying for me.

-I'm thankful that I have such wonderful set of friends and classmates. I can always be myself whenever I'm with them. With them, I can change my stressful moments to the fun crazy moments in a ridiculous way.

-I pray to Allah to keep me from going astray. This life has too many spices here and there, I'm afraid I'm going to fall to the negative side of life, sometimes the bad/forbidden thing is the most tempting. I recite Quran everyday to avoid these things.

“And We send down from the Quran that which is a healing and a mercy to those who believe.” Al-Isra’ 17:82

“And when His (Allah’s) Verses (this Quran) are recited unto them, they (Verses) increase their Faith; and they put their trust in their Lord.”
Al-Anfal 8:2

-In a higher degree of stress, I tend to eat a lot in the past few weeks. I'm gaining my weight though I'm not certain whether it's a good thing or not. I fret about being bigger than I am now. I have no intention of gaining weight only height, alas I just can't.

-I'm saddened by some people's views and perceptions on certain things. Sometimes they are too fond of getting fame out of something irrelevant. And this world is beginning to get a grip of violence, cruelty and whatnot. It's heart-wrenching. ;(

-I dare say I don't like those who keep bragging about what they have, what they do and etc. If you think you're so big in this world, think again! There are thousands of people bigger than you and yes, the same apply to those who think they're small in this world. Remember, there are people smaller than you, poorer than you, less fortunate and bla bla, too numerous to mention. So use your huge brain to think and think again! ;)

-I began to love kids more and more each day. They will always have a special place inside my heart. The conversation between me and random kid is as depicted below:

Random kid: Auntie, Auntie..

Me: Auntie? Is it me? (Monologue) (He seemed to call every passer-by as auntie)

RK: Help me to get something from the drain (Pointing towards the huge drain)

Me: What is it? (Go slowly to check what's inside the drain)

RK: Help me to get the cat, he's going to get wet soon. (He called cat as 'nyeowww')

Me: Go down the drain and help to lift the cat and pass the cat to him.

RK: Thank you auntie (A happy jump involved).

Me: Smiling to myself. :)

Actually I was a bit hesitant to help him due to the fact that I'm actually scared with cats. But yeah with kids, some things may have occurred naturally. I'm amazed I managed to hold the cat perfectly without any bit of fear shown in my eyes or even in my gestures.

-I'm waiting for something uncertain.

-I have a very low caffeine tolerance. Indeed! As I needed to stay awake in the wee hours(cramming for exam), I've decided to drink Nescafe. Well before I bought it, I've asked few friends if I should buy it or not and the answer is NO. I went to kiosk with the thought of buying Milk with coffee flavour, unfortunately all were sold out and to test my patience, Nescafe's rack was right beside the milk's rack. I told myself, no harm to try for it once more. Besides, I needed the caffeine fixes to keep me stay awake and my brain to stay alert, so there being stubborn as I always am, I bought the Nescafe. At first, I doubted myself but then I took few sips and nothing happened. I was like, oh fine. All this while there was nothing actually. But then few hours later, only God knows the pain. I've started to feel aches all over my body complete with a headache. I've felt fatigue and I had to take some pills to kill the pain. How pathetic? It's like I'm having the reverse effect of caffeine-intake. My symptoms are somewhat similar to those who have caffeine-withdrawal symptoms.

Here's what I've read:

Everybody "knows" that caffeine makes you more alert and clearheaded. Think again. A cup of coffee gives you a wake up jolt because it triggers a stress response. Your adrenal glands are prompted to kick out the same stress hormones that are released when you perceive an external threat or danger. Your muscles tense, your blood sugar elevates for extra energy, your pulse and respiration rates speed up, and your state of alertness increases so you're ready to wrestle with or run from environmental dangers. You may be only sitting at your table or desk drinking a cup of coffee, but your body doesn't know that. It's preparing for action.
The Memory Solution by Dr Julian Whitaker, page 261

In the same case of the caffeine-withdrawal, after the caffeine effect wears off, people tend to go for another cup but in my case, I didn't. I guess this explains why I felt fatigue. Again, I'm pathetic. Ugh. (*_*)
Anyhow, I shall not drink it anytime soon. :)

-I've missed few football matches. I'm tempted to watch the match but final exam is still on top level of priority. But I still keep the updates. :p

-Keep listening to the old music preferably 90's music. Gosh, I love 90's music with Cranberries, Oasis, Alanis Morissette, Ella and many more in the list. Even the old malay 'rock kapak' is in the list. The music seems to be more honest and not cheesy like what we had these days.

In any case, life has been great. I'm trying to combine all the colours I had for my life and yes I'm still waiting to add some new colours in my life sketches.

P/s: It strikes me to engulf in a feeling called jealousy. Well jealousy has its own way of eating my heart out. :(